I May Be Slightly Obsessed with Mariah Carey

Originally Published: May 15th, 2013; Updated: June 24th, 2014

I have an obsessive personality. I think it has to do with growing up with G-Money, my crazy-ass grandmother. She had a passion for collecting dollar store trinkets, an unbridled love for greasy fried food (Burger King was always her personal fave and when she’d take me, she’d tell me that she was “treating me,” like it was a HUGE FUCKING DEAL, but only if I ordered off of the dollar menu), and an uncanny ability to NEVER throw anything away. Ever. She has fortune cookie fortunes from the mid-twentieth century stuffed underneath ceramic unicorns from a dollar store sale 10 years ago. Other things G-Money taught me:

  1. Never let go of a grudge, because WHY when you can let it fester and grow into a way of life.
  2. Don’t EVER waste food. If I would’ve thrown away one of her homemade meatballs (which I wouldn’t DARE do because her meatballs are like bites of luscious HEAVEN and to do that would be blasphemous and sacrilegious and totally against the rules of feminism, Gretchen Weiners!) she would have put a hit out on me #italianroots
  3. The love for a good singing voice.

One of the cool things about G-Money that most people might not know is that she has an amazing voice. Like, crazy good. It’s Rosemary Clooney-and-a-cup-of-hot-cocoa-on-a-cold-winter’s-night good. When she was younger, back in the late 40s, early 50s, before she met my gramps, she actually had a recording contract. I KNOW, RIGHT?! Super cool. However, due a series of unforeseen circumstances that played out like a really bad Lifetime movie – girl meets manager, girl gets recording contract, father forbids girl to pursue her dreams, girls’ manager MYSTERIOUSLY gets hit by a car, girls career goes nowhere – she never quite made it past small clubs. She actually met my grandfather while she was singing in a club; it was love at first note.

She used to sing to me all the time while I was growing up. I used to pretend that I didn’t like it, because what preteen wants to hear their grams belt out a standard while frying up chicken cutlets, but I loved every single minute. Even now, though her brain is slowly regressing from dementia, when she sings, every body stops and listens. It’s become shaky, a bit weak, somewhat airy, but it’s still breathtakingly #beautiful.

Aside from how to be obsessive, she taught me about true talent. Which is, I believe, where my obsession with Messiah Mariah Carey, the Voice of a (Fierce) angel, stems from. Even G-Money would have to agree. Whenever she gets into one of her “moods,” all I have to do is put on “My All” — which, if you don’t know that gem from 1997, get on that because it’s the song that best showcases the sheer power and vulnerability of MC — and she calms down. Instantly.

Ok, so the cat’s out of the bag. It’s no secret that Mariah Carey is my homegirl. Seriously. Look at us from our wedding day in 2009:

Please ignore how REPULSIVE I look. I was going through a period … I can’t even … I thought I looked good … 2009 was NOT a great year looks-wise. I may have to upload a great picture of me so that you all don’t think I look like a total troll. Because I don’t. On most days.

Her music has been my go-to, from the time I was 8 years old and heard “Hero” for the first time and I thought HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT I MUST LOVE THIS VOICE FOREVER. I used to make myself mix tapes [yes, that was a real thing  at one point. DON’T JUDGE ME!] with my favorite MC songs and jam and sing shout the words as loud as I could muster … ya know, before my mom would try to commit me for being batshit insane.

Her new song “#Beautiful” is one of the greatest musical achievements of 2013, if for no other reason than it sounding completely new, fresh, and so unlike anything else on the radio. Am I the only one tired of hearing the same five songs, all produced by the master of trashy dance electro pop Calvin-Guetta-RedOne?

It’s mellow and cool, sophisticated, yet simple in it’s melody. It’s lay-in-the-sun-with-an-ice-cold-glass-of-lemonade. It’s sexy and sweet and it’s construction leaves the listener wanting more and more and more and more and …

When I first heard it, I was so happy that I cried.

And then, after listening to it 10,000 times AND getting on air during Z100’s Elvis Duran and the Morning Show to declare my undying love for said song, I was like:

and for the rest of that day, I was very much in this mindframe:

After a few hundred repeated listens, I am now under the impression that it’s one of the best songs ever recorded. Ok, maybe that’s being a bit overzealous, but it’s definitely an A+mazing (that’s a Mariahism, in case you were wondering) song.

What’s not to like? It uses a hashtag in it’s title:

Look at that body! And that car! And all of those chandeliers! Perfection.

Ok, some may say, “REALLY? A hashtag? COME ON MESSIAH CAREY!” But it’s really a brilliant marketing move. Not only does it easily trend on Twitter, but it plays to younger audiences. The chorus goes:

You’re beautiful

Good lord, you’re fuckin’ beautiful

I can’t pretend that that doesn’t mean a thing to me (to me)

You’re beautiful

And your mind is fuckin’ beautiful

I can’t pretend that that doesn’t mean a thing to me (to me)

The “hashtag” artfully takes the place of the word “fucking” in the song. It’s a wonderful little nugget of information about the song.

I’m not usually one for “hashtags.” In fact, I use them quite ironically. I’m probably just being a hipster and being all, “I’m too cool for hashtags so I’ll use them in a totally ironic way, but really I’m just feeding into the Pop Culture Machine.” Actually, nevermind, that’s EXACTLY how I use hashtags. #oops #sorryimnotsorry #hashtags

But Mariah’s usage of the hashtag is #artful and #wonderful and totally #non-ironic. Plus, the song itself is pure magic. No joke, I’m infinitely more powerful now that I have this song in my life. Can you tell that I’m a little bit obsessed?

She constantly asks me

And I just respond with a

I’m not obsessed. Just ask Nick Cannon. He knows what I’m talking about.

But in all honesty, what is there not to love?

Look at her in the video for “#Beautiful”:

SHE’S LIKE A GODDESS WITH A YELLOW DRESS AND FLOWY HAIR. Messiah Carey has come to bless us all with the gift of her voice and the wonderfulness of her breasts.

She’s all like, “I didn’t know you were here…hashtag oops!” I guess I’ll just frolic now:

LOOK AT HOW GOOD SHE IS AT FROLICKING! She has a PhD in frolicking!

And when Miguel tells her to twirl,

she twirls like nobody ever twirled before:

But if this isn’t enough to convince you how BEYOND Mariah Carey is, well, here she is glitter-bombing American Idol finalist Candice Glover.

The woman carries around glitter. SHE CARRIES AROUND GLITTER WITH HER TO THROW ON PEOPLE THAT SHE LOVES. She’s literally Tinker Bell. How can you NOT love a Disney character?

So yeah, like I said, I have an obsessive personality.

But I hide it well.


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