Originally Published: September 8th, 2013; Updated: June 24th, 2014
Hasn’t anybody ever wondered where Katy Perry came from? Ok, sure, it’s kind of explained in her concert documentary Part of Me and Wikipedia, but I think there’s more to this story than meets the eye. To the untrained eye, she came from nowhere in 2007 with the heteronormative bisexual “anthem” “I Kissed a Girl” and continued to explode in 2010 with the cotton candy-laced Teenage Dream and became America’s Sweetheart.
How the hell did she do this?
Is she some kind of witch? Is she some kind of voodoo priestess? HOW DOES SHE WIELD SUCH CONFECTIONARY MAGIC ACROSS THE POP LANDSCAPE?
I think I finally have the answer to that question.
Follow me, won’t you, as I present FOOL-PROOF** evidence as to who Katy Perry TRULY is:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: Katy Perry is, in fact, Mariah Carey‘s alter-ego Bianca.
If you don’t believe me, just look at this:
It’s #uncanny. Plus, IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!
She just “appears” as if from nowhere in 2007, is obsessed with all girly things like candy and rainbows, and has a penchant for racking up Billboard Hot 100 #1’s like they’re more attainable than an STD from Snookie!
Travel with me back to 1999.
Bianca, or should I say “Katy Perry,” was dating the always-adorable Jerry O’Connell, who just so happened to Mariah’s ex. Mariah was a bit down on her luck, so her posse drag her out to the movies to make her feel better because who doesn’t like a good movie when they’re down.
The movie? “Heartbreaker”
But when she gets into the theater, who does she see but her ex, Adorable Jerry, with his new girlfriend
Katy Perry Bianca.
Mariah is, of course, very upset about this so she goes into the bathroom to confront her. Unfortunately it escalates really quickly…
But the thing was,
Katy Perry Bianca really thought that this was her moment. She wanted to come out and SHINE.
She wasn’t about to give in to a beatdown by Mariah. She was ready for Round #2 in the Remix.
But, see … Mariah is the Queen, so she won that one, too. Sorry B.
From 1999 until 2003,
Katy Perry Bianca constantly tried to steal Mariah’s limelight. She even tried to run her off the road in 2003:
But then…she just disappeared. And for four years, there was no Bianca.
With some minor reconstructive facial surgery (you know, because Mariah literally ran her off the road in some sort of Tokyo race car dream sequence), Bianca re-emerged as Katy Perry and launched “I Kissed A Girl”
And “Katy Perry” was all, “I’M HUNGRY” …
… and, like Mariah, who swept the 1990s with 13 #1 hits, Katy Perry started DEVOURING everyone in her path.
I think not.
Plus, everyone knows that Mariah is the original Eternally 12 girl, right? So it should come as no surprise that this happened:
But really, the BIGGEST piece of evidence comes from 2013, when “Katy Perry” released “Roar,” her first single from her new album Prism. And she’s STILL pissed about what happened in 1999, during Mariah’s Rainbow album release period.
Exhibit A: Katy’s “Roar” video
Exhibit B: Mariah’s “Can’t Take That Away” Single Cover:
PLUS, during her MTV VMA performance of “Roar,” Perry was in a boxing ring, which is like, a total metaphor for her fight with Mariah in the bathroom at the movie theatre over Adorable Jerry O’Connell:
Bianca Katy Perry has some unresolved issues.
And if ALL OF THIS is not enough to prove that Katy Perry is actually Mariah Carey’s alter ego Bianca, well, this should do the trick: According to one of my all-time favorite music blogs, Jon Ali, Katy Perry said that one particular song from her new album Prism entitled “Birthday” was influenced by my idol, the Queen Mariah Carey. According to Jon Ali, she said: “I wanted to do something that Mariah Carey would have put on her first record.”
Ok. Let’s examine this.
- Katy Perry’s new album is called Prism. A prism can take in white light and produce a rainbow. RAINBOW. Get it? Like Mariah Carey’s seventh studio album, 1999’s Rainbow. Let’s take a look at this interview from 1999 in which Bianca interviews Mariah and calls her album Prism instead of Rainbow.
- Secondly, Katy’s song that is inspired by Mariah is called “Birthday.” And let’s be honest, birthdays are symbolic of rebirth, the start of a new year. She’s basically all “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, BIANCA. BYE MARIAH. #KISSES.”
Are you swayed yet? I need no further proof. It explains just about everything, including why I love Katy Perry so much. Because, really, who DOESN’T love Katy Perry? I, for one, am very excited about her upcoming album! Should prove to be pop music perfection! And really, I’d expect nothing less from Miss. Perry.
I mean, how puuuuurfect is this poster?
Definitely something Bianca would do.
**As if you don’t already know, this is a complete joke. [Insert Laugh Here.] Katy Perry is a real person, and not Bianca. Unless you think she is. Because then I totally agree with you.