I Am., Part II

Last year, I wrote “I Am.,” and it quietly became “one of those posts” that people would write me about, saying how it spoke to them and inspired them. So I thought, “Why not revisit this post once a year?” After all, I Am constantly changing…

 

This is who I am. 

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I am struggling. Every day is a struggle, to stay above water, to gasp for air, to not drown underneath waves of stress and worry. I battle demons that people don’t know about; hell, I barely know about my own demons.

I am technically unemployed. Summer “vacation” is not a vacation when you’re a struggling adjunct professor.

I am proud. I hate asking for help, and I never do, even though I really need it.

I am someone who hates talking about money. If you bitch about your money and work problems, but you have both money and work, be aware that I kinda sorta hate you. Maybe. Kinda. Definitely. At least in the moment. Work woes are universal. It’s rare, as a twentysomething, to love your job. It’s even more rare to have a job that provides a great, sustainable salary, health benefits, and perks; no matter how much you may hate your job, having one like that is a luxury, one that I do not have. Right now, I’d kill to have expendable cash instead of worrying about where rent is coming from.

I am a cousin of two wonder people who battle Cystic Fibrosis. I am walking in the Great Strides for Cystic Fibrosis for my cousins Katy and Sean, who have battled this slippery sickness since birth. Katy, who never thought she’d get married and find love, is getting married at the walk this year to the love of her life, a great guy she met a few years back who is every bit as weird and quirky and awesome as she is. I couldn’t be happier for her, yet I worry about her health every single day. I am walking with her, as I do every June, because I hope know that one day, they will find a cure.

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Katy and I at the CF walk in 2012 with her fiancé. I wish I still had those killer shades. Also, who does the “hang ten” sign anymore? ME!

 

(I normally don’t do this via blog, but if you’re interested in donating to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, click on this link! Every dollar helps!)

I am applying for my PhD. Wish me luck. I need more weight behind me when it comes to my career. Maybe I need a career change; all I know is that I need something more stable.

I am a person who feels every single emotion at any given time. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If something bothers me, I state it. I don’t give good “face.” My face conveys every emotion. I blush like a cheap hooker when I’m embarrassed or uncomfortable. I could never be a spy. I’d be found it instantly.

I am overweight. I hate myself when I look into the mirror or feel the folds of my fat, but I can’t seem to get in a comfortable gym routine.

I am someone who makes excuses. But what if my excuses are not really excuses? What if they’re legitimate? Who ever said excuses were a bad thing?

I am sexual. I fucking love sex. Sex is pretty much the only thing that makes sense anymore. It’s primal, it’s spontaneous, it’s orgasmic, it’s fun. The only expectation is mutual release. It’s refreshing to experience something so simplistic in idea, yet so layered, so intricate, so intimate.

I am tired. Of everything. Life has exhausted me. Growing up, nobody told me that looking after myself would be this hard and stressful. I’m tired and I don’t even do anything strenuous.

I am an elusive chanteuse writer. I love to write, but it’s rare that I get to write what I really want to write, and it’s even more rare that I showcase my best work. It’s hard to capture inspiration, but I try. Maybe I could try harder, but it all seems so elusive. What is success if I’m not a successful writer? Is there success if I’m not a writer? If my writing career never takes off, and I never sign with an agent, will be successful? Will I even still be a writer?

I am. At least for now.

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13 Comments

  1. One thing you keep forgetting: You are awesome and from the way you write your blog posts, a brilliant writer; just keep going and remember (I’m sorry if this is cheesy- I think it’s needed though) to never give up on your dreams however far away they may seem at the moment!
    Phoenixflames12 x

    1. Awwwwww, shucks! You make me blush! Sometimes I need gentle reminders (aka amazing readers like you to stroke my ego and give me little confidence boosts) that I just need to keep pressing on. I shall keep on keepin’ on. I am, after all, a dreamer if nothing else 🙂

  2. Honest to God you’re comment about just being tired almost made me cry. That is exactly how I feel anymore, and it’s nice to know I’m not alone, but in a way it wish I was, I hate that anyone else feels that way, especially you. Well, I love you and the words you write. You’re an inspiring one Steven! Let’s catch up soon! My heart misses you!

    1. You are SO not alone, Miss Kuwait 😉 We’re all in similar life boats, rowing to shore at our own speeds. We feel like we have to race to be done, but I’m starting to realize that slowing down and admitting to being tired is totally normal and OK and needed. We can’t stay at 110% always.

      PLEASE let’s catch up soon! I miss your face!

  3. Love this post! I too, find that a regulated gym routine is the most difficult! But I also admire that you’re not too proud to ask for help, because that is one of my biggest weaknesses! Great post 🙂

    1. Awww thanks!!! Yes! Regulated gym routines are the devil! Also the devil? Pride. Life is too short to be proud. Though the one thing I won’t ask for help with is money. That’s my Achilles heel.

  4. I am amazed by your insightfulness and honesty. As a mom of three 20-somethings, I just want to give you a big hug and fix all of your struggles with money and job security because I still, so vividly, remember being there; the worries, the tiredness. Tenuous dreams laced with pending, life realities seem unreachable. My advice, from experience, would be to not let your dreams slip away. Even if you have to tie the string of your writing goals around your wrist, like an amusement park balloon, to keep them from drifting –do it! You have unique perspectives and experiences to share and things to say that can help people.
    One day, you’ll look back on this time and either have regrets, or be gloriously amazed with yourself for successfully making it through the sucky times to find the life that you’ve always wanted. Strive for amazed. 🙂

    Just a little unsolicited motherly advice 🙂 (something my kids tell me I’m pretty good at!) 🙂

    1. Sometimes, us twentysomethings need ALL the hugs, even if it’s a virtual blog-hug 🙂

      Also: YOUR ADVICE WAS SO UPLIFTING! I love the balloon-around-the-wrist metaphor and visual. So powerful! Seriously — thank you for that. It’s a fresh perspective for my weary writerly soul. Really inspiring! 😀 Your kids are lucky to have such an amazing mom!

      1. Thanks, Steven! You’re very welcome and I’m certainly glad that I could bring some inspiration to you. I’m pretty lucky to have three great kids who I know appreciate me. Have a great evening! 🙂

    1. SO TRUE! Which, I guess in some ways I consider myself successful, and in others, according to your definition, I have some work to do. Contentment sounds so easy to achieve, but thinking about it, am I really content with EVERYTHING? Thanks for giving me a new perspective 🙂

  5. Katy stor opens a door for optimism.
    I have a motherly suggestion that to take on any job for paying bills, which won’t inferior your writing profession.
    Welcome to try out the Y in White Plains for one week free.
    There is a wonderful trainer Dan.
    We love Steven. Count what do you have everyday before you go to sleep. Through out the thought of what you don’t have or what do you want:)

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