I am hurt. But I will heal.
I am flawlessly flawed. I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Nothing is perfect. I’m beginning to realize that, as I get older, who I expected to become when I was younger is not who I’m becoming; I’m OK with that. In fact, I like who the person I’ve grown into. I can’t be perfect. I am perfectly imperfect and I relish in my imperfections. I yell, I cry, I fight, I scream, I dance, I sing, I try not to let the little things bother me, but unfortunately the little things are what bother me the most. I am not some glossy catalog image. I am not who YOU want me to be. I am the way God made me, and I can’t change.
I am scared of loss. I am scared of losing the people closest to me. I’ve seen friends come and go, people who I thought were close to me, who loved me, who understood me. I’ve seen those people turn their backs on me. And that’s ok. People change. Friendships evolve or devolve. I know that. But I am scared of losing the ones that really matter. I am afraid that I’ll be replaced. But aren’t we all replaced at one point by somebody else? We can’t always be somebody else’s top priority, I know that. I am scared of death. I am scared that any moment could be my last. I am scared that any moment could be anyone’s last moment. I am trying not to be.
I am fearless. I am not afraid to stand up for myself. I am not afraid of change. I embrace change. I welcome change, and I hope that I continue to evolve. I love the feeling of fearlessness. I want to jump out of planes, and explore volcanoes. I want to bungee jump. But sometime’s I’m worried that I want to do that stuff to feel more alive…because what is life if I don’t feel 100% alive at every given moment?
I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid that one morning, I’ll wake up and everyone will have left me. I am scared to death that I’ll never be published, that I’ll never be a truly be a great writer, that I’m destined to just be “OK.” I’m afraid of the day when I’ve exhausted every agency and agent out there and still haven’t been signed; I’m afraid of my reflection in the mirror if I have to tell myself that I didn’t make it. I’m afraid that that might kill me.
I am creative. I never stop creating. Life is all about creation; creation of art, of love, of matter and matters.
I am a writer. Because I write, I am also whole.
I am aware that i might never get published. But I am trying. I am walking the line. I am doing everything in my power. I just need somebody to believe in me the way that I believe in myself.
I am loved. I have someone who loves me so unconditionally that I can’t help but smile. When he smiles, all the hurt melts away. And when he cries, everything around me crumbles. Ever since I was a young boy, I have dreamed about being loved, but never knew what it could feel like. I knew love from a parent, from a family member, from a friend, but never the kind of love that could heal the world from sorrow and fill the empty voids in my soul. I am loved, and because I am loved, I am a better man.
I am never good enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough. How can I be enough for someone else? How can I fill the same voids that he fills? But I do. I am good enough. I just forget that sometimes.
I am someone who loves wholeheartedly. I give everything that I have in my power to give. Sometimes, I don’t have enough to give. Sometimes, I have just enough love for myself. Most of the time, people around me don’t notice or realize those moments where I need to be loved more than I can love back. That’s OK. But when I am able to love and give, I will give you the shirt off of my back.
I am strong. I fight every single day. I reach for what isn’t there, just so I can have something to hold onto.
I am weak. I may be built like brick house, but if you huff and puff hard enough, you’ll cause everything to collapse.
I am a man.
Brave. Scared. Strong. Weak. Wise. Foolish.
I am a proud gay man. It took me 23 years to say it out loud. But I did it. I risked everything by coming out, and in the end, I don’t know why I couldn’t just admit it sooner. I am proud of who I am. I will stand up for who I am. It is a part of me, which is why when that part is threatened by those who don’t understand, I will be hurt more than you will ever know. But it is my job to help those understand. And I will try my best because I am who I am.
I am afraid of prejudice. I am afraid that I will lose some people in my life due to prejudice.
I am not a grudge holder. I do not hold grudges. If you do wrong to me, I forgive. I try to forget, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. I am human.
I am not good enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m not a good enough friend, lover, boyfriend, son, cousin, nephew. Sometimes, I feel like i’m not a good enough writer. There is something wrong with me, right?
I am good enough. I am a loyal friend, a fierce lover, a dedicated, loving boyfriend, a caring son, a good cousin and nephew. I can write. I love to write. Maybe that makes me a good writer. There is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect, in all my flaws, just the way that I am.