An Open Letter to Hollywood

I loved the first Hangover film. It was pants-splittingly funny. Literally, I split my pants. Though that may or may not have been a direct result of my weight. It was unexpected. It brought me back to my college days, where I would wake up after a night of playing “Let’s See Who Can Drink the Biggest Handle of Cheap Vodka in Under an Hour” and ask the one roommate who never quite got drunk enough to lose entire hours, what I did the night before. It was always hilariously sad. By recalling those endless nights of debauchery we all faced at one point or another, Hollywood popularized the concept of an “awesome” hangover, much like Regina George MADE army pants and flip flops.

Then they made a sequel. And my entire world shattered (at least for the runtime of the “film”). It was so disingenuous to the characters the first film made us love (seriously, they thought Chow died so they stuffed him in a cooler? Because EVERYTHING about your friend dying about covering it up by stuffing his body INTO A COOLER is a RIOT!), and the plot was a complete rehash of the first film. Except they were in Thailand. And they couldn’t find anything worthwhile to do with Justin Bartha, who is an adorably understated comedic genius.

Now they’re making a third. MADNESS! I…can’t…

So, I’ve written a letter in the voice of Regina George, one of the greatest cinematic teens of all time, to Hollywood in protest of The Hangover Part III.

Dear Hollywood,

Stop trying to make The Hangover sequels happen. They’re SO pathetic. Let me tell you something about the last Hangover sequel. The first movie and I were best friends:

It was amazing.

I know, right? It’s so embarrassing.

So then when the sequel came out, I ran to the movie theatre because the trailer looked hilarious, but it wasn’t, and couldn’t hold a candle to Bridesmaids, which came out a week earlier.

The Hangover Part II was like, weirdly awful and almost ruined the brilliance of the first movie.

Seriously?

Like, I started to write off the first movie and reference Bridesmaids instead, and people were like, “Why didn’t you like the sequel?” And I’d be like:

“Why are you so obsessed with The Hangover Part II?”

So then, when I heard there was a Part III coming out, which apparently begins at a funeral, I was like, “I can’t see this, because I think it’s embarrassing.”

Even they get it…

I mean I couldn’t be caught at the movie theater seeing Part III. There were gonna be PEOPLE there seeing real sequels, like Iron Man 3.

I mean, right? That’s how you do a Threequel! The Hangover Part III looks like a LAMEquel. So then I kept watching other trailers to see if it would even be good and I saw Heather Graham, which was promising, but why the hell is Justin Bartha STILL not included in any of these hijinks now?

It’s just like, totally weird, but I guess it’s coming out anyway.

Love,

Regina George Steven

And THAT was your daily dose of pop culture #reality.

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4 Comments

  1. I HATED The Hangover III. Why did they have to go and ruin a perfectly good movie (Hangover I) and make sequels? It just ruined the whole franchise. So dumb. But this made me LOL several times! Too funny!

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